Pain Pathways Magazine

They are going to be including my letter to the editor in their next issue, June 2010. Man, what a bitch. I just typed for an hour and lost everything before I could get it published. And typing is so painful for my hands. I'm beginning to wonder if I have rheumatoid arthritis in addition to the peripheral neuropathy, fibromyalgia and nerve damage.

"books by Elaine Aron"

Today I had a rather intense lunch "date" with a woman acquaintance. She asked me why I"m so sensitive. I told her that I have "multiple chemical sensitivities" and "do you know about Elaine Aron's books?

Elaine Aron wrote "The Highly Sensitive Person" shortly after she wrote that it simply jumped off the shelf at me (since I"m so sensitive)

But, she also has a new book "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" We are born with different levels of sensitivity in our nervous systems. A 1995 study determined that 50% of the risk of divorce is gene based.

I pick up all sorts of stuff in my environment which my lunch dates never notice. It's a bummer when you feel you can't ever mention those things, but I never do.

Today in the restaurant I was very bothered by the worker who was sweeping the floor in my vision. But you know I just think that's completely inappropriate but places like panera do it all the time when the rest. is open. There were 2 or 3 patrons thruout our meal whose loud voices I found piercing and I found it hard to concentrate on what my date was saying. Our waitress interrupted us about 15 times (which hurt her tip) and then the woman at the next booth was listening in on our conversation!

A little boy at the other booth told his grandparents that when you pray you have to thank God for your safety.

Anywho, I know that my lunch date did not notice any of those things! Perhaps this is one of the reasons why Aron's research says that H.S.P's in love should partner with other H.S.P.s because you understand each other.

On her website, she gives a test. Are YOU a HSP? 20% of the population is. By the way, today was the first day in almost a year that the rest. was not too cold for me! (another sensitivity thing I'm sure my date didn't notice)

"It's the end of the world as we know it!"

I didn't know what to title today's piece. I considered "rude ass society" or "customer dis-service" as that would be appropriate too!

I think of all of the places I see little to no signs of human life.  I rarely ever see a human soul on the grounds of my complex or in the laundry room. When   I go to the local cafe  I'm often the only customer.

 Prior to owning a car, I was the only one out walking or at the bus stop.

Last movie I went to I was the only viewer, except for a couple that  walked in at the last minute.

Yesterday, I was in the office section of the Rotunda. I needed pen and paper. Walked into a ped. office. There was a t.v., a wait room, NO  patients, and 3 seats for the receptionists, but no receptionists can be found!

So, I walked out, and went to another dr. office. What do I need the pen and paper for?, one employee asked! 

. (I need a reason?, clearance?) "Are you trying to leave a message for one of our doctors?" "How big should the paper be?" I told her I was going to another office on the floor. She looked at me like I had 3 heads. How dare I ask for a favor!

My doctor. had to bump me by one hour, so I had to call over to the veggie restaurant and ask the manager to find my friend and tell him I'd be late.

I ask for the manager.

"Well, who is this?" "Is this that non-profit?"

No, I'm not a non profit, may I speak to the manager? 

"Well, what is it that you want? Are you Jane Doe?"

E-"Well, if you stop talking and find me a manager I will tell them what I need"

"Well, I'm the manager" he finally admitted.

I asked him if he could get the message to M. but I doubted he would do it.

I go to Giant and I buy a small box of envelopes, the cheap ones. Only 50 envelopes. I get to check out and she rings up the wrong price.

I tell her that's not the right price.

"What did you say the right price is?" she asked me

E-"I don't know but that's the wrong price" She walks back to the envelope aisle and studies the tag for at least 5 minutes. comes back tells me something or other then goes to customer service and they have a 3 employee" conference" trying to figure out the amount that should have been charged.

The one guy comes over with her and he has another product in addition to the envelopes. "Which of these products do you want?"

"I want the one I chose"

"But that's 4 dollars" he insisted.

I give up and take the envelopes.

I need gas- and here's another piece of the apocalyptic picture. I try 5 different gas stations before I find one that is in business with the pumps all working. Some stations say "no gas"

some stations have no price written on the sign at all!

Some places look open, yet I see no employees.

Most have the bags over the pumps indicating they are out of business.

All of these stations are right around Reisterstown Road Plaza.

My life feels very apocalyptic.

"Movie Review"

"She's out of my league" was excellent, hilarious. Course I notice that I almost always do more laughing then the other patrons. I've also noticed that when I don't laugh, like when someone is getting hurt, the other patrons are laughing loudest.

I don't even know the name of the main stars! Was that Reese Witherspoon? I don't know. I should find that out before writing a review. But the main male star is exactly like I guy I know named Andrew. Not that they look exactly alike, because Andrew is much more handsome then main star, but they are so similar in personality.

The least fave parts of my movie were the smash em beat em up scenes. One of the best scenes takes place right before the girls mother walks in and involves a dog.

In some respects it's shallow in that the whole thing is about enjoying this woman's (main star) beauty. Nonetheless, it's wonderful to watch her fall for a "6" when she's a "hard 10"

I also love the scene where main start is forced to get back on plane, funny!

Don't like the character Stainer too much...................

This romantic comedy is win win. Go see it.

"My moment in the spotlight"

Last night I went to an earth save dinner. Vegan potluck. The food is always fabulous and there was a panel of speakers afterwards who did a great job. I was really nervous and excited all at the same time when I spoke about there being a time in my life (this is a well heeled crowd) when I lived walking distance from the farmer's market but because they don't take food stamps, I couldn't get any food.

There was a handout indicating how there should be a regulation that food stamp (Independence) card holders should not be allowed to buy candy on their card. I said that "It shouldn't be about instituting more "can'ts" It should be about opening up access to healthy food and better nutrition education to people of all income levels. I also brought up the point that when you are without a car you can't always find a grocery store. Mark said that's right in some neighborhoods your only option is chinese food and the 7-11.

There was so much compassion in the room about what I said, and the speakers kept going back to my points in their talk. Small victory, felt empowering.

Good job to

www.earthsave.org

"New phone and internet company"

Been with for about 2 months. Bad static on landline. Company says problem not severe enough for repair. Line owned by Verizon. All I do is battle with incompetent and/or stupid or mean people from sun up to sun down. I do not like to get out of bed for that reason.

I try to take breaks, like one day I drove the 15 miles allotted to me by my "breakdown insurance" and went all the way to PA, near the Wal Mart I think it's Hanover. Sometimes I "go wild" and drive more then my break down insurance alots. Maybe I should upgrade so it will include more miles.

I love to drive and rock out to tunes. But I do not love to be tailgated so let this be a warning to you.

"Get off my ass!"

"break ins"

I wish I could say more here, but I don't know who is reading. But, let's just say it is keeping me very busy, and i am taking action. sad, huh? the perception is that this Twisted is so safe. But there is no lighting here on campus after dark and even during the day I never see people out unless it is a gorgeous day.

letter about fibromyalgia

This is a beautifully constructed letter, i can relate to every words. I'm so grateful to have found an online support group for fibromyalgia sufferers.

This letter was compiled after the author read notes from thousands of sufferers. It is a letter intended for friends and family of the sufferers and it is perfect.

here is the link

www.facebook.com/note/php?created&& suggest & note_id=390543120344

also, a link to my "friend's blog" which she devotes to living with fibromyalgia. i'm so proud of her for being brave enuf to go online to a blog to discuss this daily misery.

www.livingwithdisease101.blogspot.com

Personally I've had it since about 87. I thought it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, in 97 I received a proper dx.

"Every agency has different rules"

I had not had a good experience with DORS (V.R. or Vocational Rehabilitation) since the early 90's when they helped me pay for some of my books for college. Since then, as far as using them to try to get re-employed I have not had a good experience until about a month ago.

Here's a bit of a chronological outline. I don't have access to my journals at the moment so I'm just going to give you an overview.

I had no luck getting re-employed by using DORS between 94 and 2010

I had multiple visits.

I had a visit in Towson lsat Spring where I was put on a wait list. Then of course I moved to a different district.

Signed on with private non profit who have been helping me with some bills and such. I met with their job coach about last Sept. She required me to go back to DORS I had a bad experience with the coach and wanted another one. It took me months before I could get it scheduled. Got the appt. for one month ago. Was told by job coach that said non profit won't help me unless I stay with DORS. She said that she will work in partner with DORS.

After I had my appt. with DORS a month ago, the job coach closed my case. I'm baffled but not really upset. I've been consumed with other miserable stuff in the lsat 2 months anyway.

Have successful meetingwith dors counselor and she puts aside a large amt. of money toward helping me get re-employed. She sets up a scenario where I can take classes to get updated in computer software at the college. DORS is a federal agency.

I'm very impressed at what the feds are going to do to help me. But as per my life-the next trap arrives almost immediately. I get a threatening letter from another branch of the federal gov't. dept of education. Why now? Apparently now that I'm actively in the fed. system it triggered the following threatening letter that implies that I better not try to work or go to school or I'll be punished in a big way.

"The DOE now holds the defaulted student loan from blah blah bank to attend the blah blah blah college. for which you are responsible. The entire balance on this loan is now due. You are liable for the costs of collecting this loan. These charges can add substantially to the amount needed to satisfy your debt.

We want you to know that paying your debt by installment plan may make your loan eligible for loan rehab. or payoff thru consolidation-which will remove your loans from default status and may improve your credit rating and will make you eligible (talk about a run on sentence) for additional title 4 student financial assistance.

To remedy your default status you can pay the total amt. immediately or you can call us to enter into an acceptable repayment aggreement or to find out additional info. on the benefits of the depts loan "rehab" and "consolidation" programs.

All of the Dept's repayment opportunities are designed to assist you in remedying your defaulted student loan status.

Failure on your part to repay your debt may result in the dept. moving against you with one or all of the following collection measures:

we will report your default status on this loan to national credit reporting agencies , this may hurt your ability to obtain further credit.

we can refer your debt to a collection agency, and charge you the costs incurred by the dept. in having that agency collect this debt. These costs are currently up to 25% of the principal and interest owed on your loan. The dept. applies any payments you make first to these costs and then to your loan balance. This will increase the cost to you of paying off your loan by up to 25.%

We can notify your employer to initiate garnishment of your wages

we can refer your debt to the u.s. attorney for litigation

we can perform computer matches with other fed. agencies to determine if you are a gov't employee or recipient of other fed. aid for purposes of offsetting all or a percentage of these funds.

we can refer your debt to the dept. of treasury for offset of fed funds due you

To avoid the dept. reporting this loan to the credit bureaus as in default, you have 60 days from the date of this letter to repay this loan in full, make satisfactory arrangements to repay and actually make the first payment under this arrangement, or to request an administrative review.

To request an admin. review of this debt, an explanation of this debt, copies of documents, or an opportunity to dispute this debt you must send a written request to the following address........

sincerely

blah blah blah

"Fibromyalgia and More"

I'm elated to have just discovered online support groups. I knew they existed, but I never really knew where they were. No doubt that face to face and phone is best, but internet is a tool.

Internet can be your reward or your downfall. You can use it as a tool to become even more socially connected, or you can hide behind the computer screen and possibly lie about your identity etc. and never really come and meet folks face to face.

Each a.m. I awaken with the following symptoms depending on the day

-excruciating pain running all thru my arms and hands

or

" "pain in my hips and legs

a headache

or just general body wide pain

-some days I'm too weak to do anything at all

I usually feel like I need more sleep no matter whether that's true or not. Because we don't get the deep sleep. (stage 4 I think that's called)

Today, I fell twice in the morning. Both times I used furniture to break my fall. "I've fallen and I can't get up" everybody laughed about the ads when they first came out. My neighbor falls a couple of times a week, and yells into her life alert machine. The ambo. comes out and helps her get up. I feel she shouldn't be living alone and I wonder why her family let her live alone. This last time she broke her wrist.

I don't know why I"m falling. I guess it's a neurological thing. Maybe they'll find that it's related to the difficulty remaining conscious that I had daily from 3/1/ thru 3/5 when I was in the hospital. I've believed for years that hospitals are likely to just make you sicker.

Hopefully something useful will turn up when I get the e.e.g. results. I don't think I should be living alone either.

My friend had a stay in a psych ward for a few weeks over the winter and caught a superbug which nearly killed her. Point made about hospitals.

"Colonial Lock and Key"

Beware of this company. With the burglaries and the rules here at Twisted Pines that you aren't allowed to change your lock without alerting management-here's what happened.

All of my break ins were without forced entry. I've never given a key to any of my friends. The burglar was locking up on their way out. What sense would it make for me to use a company that will alert management.

Colonial said don't worry we never do that. They came out and changed my lock. I had to give them $140 dollars. Next morning they called Twisted and said "Elana changed her lock."

Twisted has made me change my lock again today (my expense) and give management a key. Another 100 dollars. (someone is helping me with these security expenses)

Now Colonial is here and he's making small talk about the weather. I said "Oh no, don't make small talk with me. I know what you did. And it sure wasn't very ethical." "He said, I didn't do it, Shmoe's lock and key did it"

I said "Bull. Shmoe's has no idea that I changed the lock"

So, he's here now, and I'm fuming angry. I'll just take the new key give him my credit card and not say a word to him.

I've been very very busy with survival related stuff, and every day I can't believe I haven't had a heart attack from the stress. Right now, just having him in my house is making my hands shake.

"Twin Oaks Community in Louisa, Va"

I lived at twin oaks for 3 weeks in the summer of 95, while, basically homeless both before and immediately after leaving.

Wanna see a video of the land, the life, the beauty and the politics of one of my homes? (I consider all of my lifes addresses to be one of my homes, even if I only lived there for one night or one week!)

go to www.thefec.org

and click on the video

about "community still going strong after 40 years"

well those aren't the exact words, but you'll find it. please, after viewing the video post your comments to my blog, about what you think of the lifestyle! I went there and worked there the 42 hours a week as was required of me, as it was a lifestyle I was seriously considering and a requirement of all visitors!

Been waiting about 2.5 years for my paycheck!

As you can see I have advertisements for you to read when you come to my blog. I am supposed to get paid for doing that. Due to various glitches at google ad sense I have never been paid. There is no phone # in which you can communicate with a real human being. Looks like there's no email either. Your only option is to post your problem to a bulletin board and hope that other users will know how to resolve it!

Life at "Twisted Pines"

In a 6 week period there were approximately 20 entries into my home of an uninvited guest. But there was never a broken lock. The person was coming in with a key. I've never given a key to anybody, no one at all.

On 3/12 I changed the lock. Within 24 hours it appears it was picked and someone tried to get in here. My new key doesn't want to work in the brand new lock, which is typical of a lock that has been picked.

I no longer make police reports because they don't believe me.

On 3/13 someone was in my home while I was out during the day. On the morning of 3/15, I woke up to see that the lock was unlocked, but no one had actually entered while I was sleeping. (I can tell)

If money were no object I would just buy a small house somewhere and rent out a room. But money is an object. And I receive an attractive federal subsidy. To just move would risk that subsidy unless I moved but continued to pay my rent.

I did sleep last night.

When the maint. man came in to do his scheduled annual filter change, I saw something in the kitchen that was moved into a different location then where I had it when I left the house.

There are many many more details which would keep you so riveted you would probably never bother again for the rest of your life, with a fictional murder mystery or anything of the sort. All you would need would be my true life to keep you totally and completely absorbed, forever.

But, I cannot put all details out here. Luckily, I do still write under my pen name, and it's nice to not have to be so darn careful about what I say. I can relax, ya know?

There are 4 legal issues that are keeping me so busy it's like a full time job. The only mental, physical rest I get is if I'm lucky enough to sleep. Last night thank goodness I slept thru the night. The 2 nights prior to that I was up all night.

Had my first hike at the park today in 14 weeks. I really need a climate where I can exercise outdoors year round. I've gained 18 lbs. in 9 months. 2lbs a month. I doubt that would have happened if I lived in a clime where I could keep exercising. I've been in physical therapy for 6 weeks. That's not much of a calorie burner but it's been thoroughly enjoyable. The practice won "best of carroll county" and the doctor and his support team deserve it. This is a 4 star place.

I did p.t. one other time (this time is voluntary, last time wasn't) in 7/08. I was "required" to go to p.t. at least a few times after the car accident. They told me that I would get no pay out at all if I don't do p.t. So I did as they said (they didn't tell me how long to go or how much i'd get paid unfortunately) for about a month but did not like it at all. It was out of St. Joseph's hospital. But, apparently, it was decided that I went long enuf to get awarded a small settlement.

That was enuf $ for me to put a down payment on my used Buick. If it weren't for that lucky/unlucky break, I likely still would not be a car owner. If you've been reading me for a while you know that the car accident occured on Friday the 13th! I was in a Enterprise rental.

The night before I was reading a magazine. I made a note of the editor's name in my journal. When I got hit the next day by a truck with failed brakes, my rental car was pushed into the editor's car. Course you are forced to exchange details with the person. I told her that I just wrote her name down in my notebook last night. You could say she made
"quite an impression"

after my car was pushed into her car, her license plate numbers engraved themselves onto my rental car! (or some #'s or name got engraved into my car)

talk about synchronicity

now about the friday the 13th. does elana have good luck or does elana have bad luck when she has an accident on friday the 13th that buys her a car!

fri, sat. and sun

fri. and sat. he broke in. sun during day he did not.

"You Just Gotta Hear This!"

I thoroughly enjoy NPR. I highly recommend you listen to the follow 5 minute piece on NPR.

"Parking Lot"

Guys, cars and the meaning of life!

The life of a parking lot attendant..................................

www.npr.org

or is it .com

"The repeat home invasions"

Typically the perp. locks the door back up when he leaves. Today he did not.  Looks like my cell phone is missing.  Tough to determine exactly what's missing when you aren't super organized and don't tally all of your belongings on a daily basis.

"Nobody believes me"

None of the local police believe that anyone has been in my home, even though I find things left behind, things moved, things damaged.

They won't take fingerprints. I went over their heads to the md. state police, who just sent the call back to the local police. One of the cops today was extremely condescending (most of them are) and asked me if the chewed gum in my car was recyclable. They didn't write up a report on the gears being real loose and the screws being taken out.

In fact they asked me what my diagnosis is. I didn't know that one's diagnosis could influence whether or not they get help. They said, based on what the hospital diagnosed you with, we wouldn't believe any evidence you come up with anyway.

I told them i didn't call 911 when someone was outside my door because i didn't want them to take me to the hospital again.

What are our rights when the police don't believe us? I encourage your comments.

Lots of Evidence

every day i find 3 more things proving that someone has been in my place again. they are also breaking into my car, and broke the lock mechanism on the passenger side. they stripped my gears, which i discovered this evening..................

i can't tell you any more out here unfortunately

also, i injured my back yesterday. i've been in p.t. for a few weeks. they did a good job treating me today, it relieved some of the pain. just what i need, right? a new injury, and pain on top of chronic pain

"Where did SHE come from?!"

Something rather comical just happened with my computer. I've never had sound with my computer. The person who donated the computer to me told me that I would need to put my headphones into the blue opening in the back. Did that about a week ago, still no sound.

Today, I'm drinking my coffee, and reading an an from Enterprise that came to my email account. Suddenly and loudly she's talking to me and trying to convince me to use Enterprise! Did someone come into the house, like a computer fairy (related of course to the tooth fairy) while I was sleeping and repair the sound function? I don't have any speakers, and I thought you needed speakers to get sound. I even checked the front door to see if anyone had come in in the night.

Isn't that a hoot?!

Written on 12/20/96

In 12/96, I did not consider myself a writer. I was still just journaling, not writing for publish. Here is what I wrote:

12/20/96

Groping, grasping, trying to find our places in the world. Conform Freak. What's wrong with you? Can't get a job

got a job

can't keep a job

Economic conditions

No place to call home. On a park bench

sometimes you feel like a motherless child

the world was tough

the world is tough

you ain't crazy you livin' in America

sometimes we can't understand each other

so different yet so similar

we have a common bond

we are the voices

of those who have no voice

we will love each other

and it will be just enough

we will grow

together

as it was meant to be

constantly challenged to higher bounds

like the stars in the sky

we're gonna make a difference

cuz everybody needs a reason to live

3/5/1997 and 3/5/2010

3/5/1997

author comments first

I'm employed by Disability Entitlement Advocacy Program. Ain't that a kicker? I am helping rich people win their disability cases, but since I really need the monies from a disability case and I am homeless, I cannot win my own case. Here are my comments below, written on 3/5/1997

2 p.m.

Rotunda Mall Office of Hearings and Appeals

God, my life is ironic! Who am I today? It's all a game. People pretending that the system works. I'm here on an assignemnt from D.E.A.P. Actually getting paid to just sit around. Well, at least it's a quiet office.

3/5/2010 (written on 3/8 because I was not allowed access to my journal or even a pen, while in the hospital)

My hearing at the hospital. The presenting doctor, presents with lies, lies, lies that are written in my chart. There is a social worker presenting against me too. She told me she hates this part of her job, and feels it's so unfair that she has to present against me, even though I am her client. (if that ain't a sick system i don't know what is) She was theoretically the social worker assigned to me in the hospital, nonetheless I didn't know what my rights were, so I never went to her, 'cept to make "long distance" calls to Baltimore.

My defense attorney presents a clear cut, abbreviated case. It's a slam dunk. I won, and am dismissed from the hospital immediately-though it takes 4 hours for the hospital to get me a cab home. That's o.k. because I knew that I had technically been dismissed, so When you realize you're free to go, being in psych isn't as horrifying as when you are technically still under their thumbs.

When I lived in Baltimore, both county and city, arrangements for cabs were never made for folks who didn't have family or friends to give them a ride home from their hospital stay-regardless of whether it was an overnight stay or just an outpatient procedure. I was in the hospital during the blizzard of 2/2003. The ambulance didn't arrive on the first day. It didn't come until day 2. But it got stuck on the ice, and they called for a humvee. That's a shocking story too. I had to walk home to the flat I was renting in Mt. Washington. The doctor at that time said that I was faking my symptoms and therefore did not keep me overnight. I was having a reaction to a med I was on. It was the first time in my life I ever experienced uncontrolled movements of the head, mouth, face and tongue.


My medical assistance will pay for this cab on 3/5/2010.

"I wish I could tell you more"

I could put much more in a book. But sadly there is so much I can't tell you , transmit electronically. I do not want to be awake at 1:22 a.m. but things have taken a very ugly turn here at "Twisted Pines"

If I could share more truths about what I see every day, I'd have 500 readers of my blog every day...................as it stands, I have about 8 hits a day. If that gives you any idea of what I can't say out here....................

"Never stayed overnight"

I've never so much as had one overnight in a hospital in my whole life. My vision of what it would be like to be an inpatient? I'd be freezing cold from the air conditioning , it would be noisy, and I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. And that is exactly the case but of course because they put me in psych it was much, much worse.

My roomie, "Charlotte" is 67. Of course, since I have a social work background I brainstorm about the possible diagnosis of the various patients. I've got her at least dually diagnosed. She is severely developmentally disabled. Functioning as a 5 year old maybe?

She sleeps with a teddy bear and talks with it. She sleeps on her back, and holds the teddy above her and just converses with it. It takes her a good 2-3 hours to fall asleep each night. Then she begins a snore that sounds like she has sleep apnea. After that first overnight sharing a room with her (night one there is no teddy) I said, "do you have sleep apnea?" it's then I realize her level of functioning.

Day 4, my boots (i own 2 pairs of shoes, boots and standard black shoes good for an office or a hike, aerosoles ya know) are gone. Charlotte says: "I threw them away, because I didn't think you needed them" I very loudly said "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THREW THEM AWAY?!"

"I'm sorry" it seemed she might cry.

I changed my voice to a gentle voice, one I typically would use with a small child. "Now, Charlotte, come show me what you did with my boots" She walked me back to the room, and showed me that she had put them in a paper grocery bag (we are all stripped of our purses and backpacks and issued grocery bags) on her nightstand.

"Now Charlotte, see that, and that, and that?" "You can't touch those things, they are mine and I need them"

"O.K. Elana, I won't. I'm sorry. I love you"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there is Betty. Also about 70 maybe? Severe o.c.d. Theoretically staff are watching us very closely, I feel very big brothered. However, they miss things that are pretty important. Betty keeps stealing patient's "files" We are all issued folders that don't have our names on them and they all look exactly alike. I noticed in the "mess hall" that Betty had 3 folders. I did put my name on mine. I said, Larry, she keeps taking our folders. Larry said, now don't do that. (Well, in the case of o.c.d. that statement is a real waste of breath)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there is Bernie. Bernie is about my age. 6 foot, 270, big gut. Real loud gutteral laugh. Always laughing. None of us can figure out what's so funny. We are all in hell after all. Well, Bernie has this horrible habit of standing over me, sitting next to me standing on top of me, you get it.

At meal time, the food is horrid. There is always alot of swapping. "I'll give you my cream cheese for your apple pie" It's quite a sight. I said "Geez, this is like grade school!" Bernie was really getting under my skin. He came over to me and asked if he could have my oatmeal.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME" I said. I'll tell ya, this kind of prison like environment will bring out the worst in anybody. He said: "You were o.k. with me yesterday" "I was not o.k. with you yesterday" He walked away and muttered "asshole, i need out of this fucking place" (my sentiments exactly) At this point, without saying a word I hand him my oatmeal. He said "thank you" A few minutes later he extended his hand for a peace handshake. I shook his hand and he knew to leave me alone.

I was still having the syncopy and horribly sleep deprived and I have no idea how long I'm going to be here. I didn't know until day 4 that I was on a locked ward. I wonder when I'll feel the sunshine on my face again? I feel very, very despondent and scared.

What a model. How can they think that anybody can get well up here? Anyhow, I just broke down crying-unconsoleably. One of the staff walked me away from the dining hall and put me in a solitary confinement room. That really scared me more. I knew that I better turn off the tears. I think about the abusive family I grew up in where I was taught to stuff my emotions.

This is the solitary room that poor little ben keeps getting locked in. He is 12. With him they really do lock him in. Every day he screams and bangs and kicks on the door for 2-5 hours. The entire ward's furniture shakes when the boy is in there. I finally got to see American Idol, and we, (the patients) hear the singers in the foreground and poor little Ben in the background. I think about how his folks probably gave up on him don't know how to control him.

I think of how lonely it must be that he is up here with no other young people. When he's not in solitary, he's really quiet and sits with us at meal times. He does lots of word games and such. One time he accidentally left it out. It was so perfect, I was sure it was done by an adult. I think about autism. They are socially low functioning but little prodigys in many ways.

So, Friday I had my hearing, I won, and got home by 2 p.m.

My public defender paid me a real nice compliment. I have this little part of my brain that serves as a storage unit for compliments paid to me over the years. I think we have to draw on the positive things people say to us in times of need.

He said: "You present yourself VERY well"

"Syncopy"

Now why is it that, I just went through 5 days of syncopy and not one person in the hospital seemed concerned, told me it was called "syncopy", or otherwise discuss this with me.

I had recurring episodes which began on Mon. and for now at least, ended yesterday. The only reason I know it is called syncopy is because I called my doctor at his office , from the hospital where I was an inpatient and described my symptoms.

He told me it is called syncopy. I have no doubt he will evaluate this further when I see him, but it is very disturbing that nobody in the hospital seemed concerned with my syncopy, my violent stomach pain, or my recurrent migraines.

It's been my theory for a long , long, time. Nobody ever got better in a hospital. (at least I don't see that I ever would) I slept about 2 hours between Monday morning and Friday night. Due to the hospital being so cold, due to my hospital roommate snoring, and due to the all encompassing fear of having been taken to the wrong part of the hospital.

Synchronistically, I just came across an article on all the toxic substances found over at the old Rosewood center.

Well, that of course, is another story. Today, I have found some more photos missing, and that somebody glued together 4 of my pics. All pics with people in them are missing from the pile....................and like I said 4 are glued together.

I'm going thru the apt. and getting as organized as possible so I can more easily spot when things are amiss. I can't go into everything I'm finding here. But I wish I could. For blogging purposes I shall remain "emotionally detached"

So, I have been in the hospital for syncopy before, but it's been a # of years. I will keep you informed.

"Where am I?"

I'm afraid to tell you that I have some very bad news...................The next morning after I made the police report and sent out an email to 6 people that my life was in danger some really strange stuff went down.

3 officers and an ambulance crew showed up at my house on Monday morning at 9 a.m. I had been up all night. When they knocked I was using ice on my tummy to help distract me from the pain.

I heard banging on my bedroom window so you can imagine how scared I was. I sit at ground level. So, I got up fast (which is not recommended esp. with certain meds) and stumbled to the front door.

I immediately recognized that I was on the verge of losing consciousness. I remained in that state for 5 hours. I had violent stomach, rib and pelvic pain with diarrha. They asked me whats going on with the robberies. I was relieved that there were 2 new officers. Maybe one will believe me. I explained what life was like at La Pew, and how the pattern of the crimes are the same. They are basically tuning me out and doing there own thing. They didn't seem to notice that i was holding my stomach like one does when they are in vioent pain.



They came back at 12:30 p.m. and told me that I've been petitioned to go to the hospital. They never told me what petition means. But I thought to myself, yeah, perhaps that's best. I don't want to get in the bathtub and drown cuz I fell unconscious.

The detectives took pictures of my apt. Said it would act as a before photo. Implying there would be an "after entry" photo.

This crew stopped by my docs office 4 times.

My head just kind of kept falling to my chest or to the side. I tryed very hard to not fall unconscious because I have a big project I'm working on, and since I don't trust anybody to do anything the right way, I'm afraid to give up control.

My journals have been violated and my one really gorgeous tea cup (or were there 2) well there aren't any now. They were given to me in Aug. So, there is thing after thing. Like my last few pieces of jewelry are gone.

So I beg for them to let me get stuff together and wash up. The detective said there's no time for you to do that. She said now you can take a washcloth or something and wash off but I have to watch you..................I'm completely baffled. She said "You understand, right? I don't know if you're going to try to pull any funny business or not"

I'm am THOROUGHLY and beyond a shadow of a doubt confused. I just am crying and crying. There are certain things I cannot leave unguarded. I'm crying about that more then about how sick I am.

I arrive at the hospital at 1:30. I presume I'm here to get my medical issues under control. The woman who does my intake at the hospital is a real bitch. And when you're in the hospital you get interviewed over and over and over. You are given long complex forms to sign. I was terrified of signing anything. I asked "Where am I?"

"In the e.r." bitch 2 said

Elana-"I mean what part of the e.r.?"

"You're in the overflow room"

Elana is thinking. What is an overflow room?

There is nothing to do but watch and listen in on staff conversations. Or, I could just stare at the woman across from me. She is 67 with vacant eyes. They briefly close my curtain and here is the interview I overhear.

staff"So, did they just SAY they were going to chop the heads off, or did they really do it?"

"They really did it" The patient replied.

Am I in some kind of psychiatric unit I wonder?



A handsome soft spoken gentle doctor comes in to interview me. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

He seems to believe me when I explain about the burglaries. After he interviewed me he said Do you have any questions for me before I step away? I say, "You're coming rigght back?"

doc-"yes"

me-"then no, i don't have questions right this minute."

He didn't come back til much later.

It sucks to just be bored and have to watch staff. One of the staff was interviewing me and laughed when I said "assailant" "Oh, this sounds good, tell me more she said" Then she asked a rhetorical question , therfore I didn't answer. She said

"If you do not answer me, I am going to give you a sternum rub. She knuckled me in the sternum and it was excruciating for a good 10 minutes or more. I just kept rubbing that area I was in so much pain.

"Oh give me a break she said, I barely touched you"

Around 4 or so I was rolled over to the social worker. She interviewed me, but really didn't listen in an open ended way. Said nobody can force me to be hospitalized if I don't want to be. She explained why she thought i should stay overnight. It hits me, that all of the reasons are psychiatric!

Me-"But all those reasons are psychiatric, and you haven't even told me the results of the tests regarding the syncopy and stomach pain"

They roll me into a freezing cold room that looked really depressing. I wondered why there was no t.v. like the last time.

Dr "Wolf" comes in and tells me that I have no choice but to stay hospitalized in the psychiatric wing! I felt terror rush thru my body. I could feel my eyeballs go side to side very rapidly, something I've never felt before.

At 8:30 they send me up to psych. It doesn't look like Rosewood might or Springfield might look like.

Backtracking a little bit, every part of the hospital I was in i could hear this strange screaming. I wondered what I was hearing. I thought that the little bit that I do have left in my life would get stripped away. All of my clothes and belongings were taken away from me for 4.5 days. Today at 9 a.m. I had to go to a hearing where I was released to the free world.

Bottom line? They think I'm psychotic for reporting the police reports. They say I'm "sick" becuase i think that "people are out to get me"

I thought I'd been to hell. My apt.s had always felt like prisons, but now i realize that they are just purgatory.

I never saw my belongings the whole 5 days. Couldn't even get into my backpack to get a hair tie, or a phone #. It was horrific

There are a handful of homeless, and a # of ex cons up here. I asked one ex con (a woman)

"What's prison like?"

she replied: "Just like this"