Day 6

Not safe to walk to bus, not necessarily safe to drive car, but if I stay immobile much longer I increase risk of blood clots.

Must attempt to get to a grocery store.

Flagstaff expecting up to 3 inches snow today.

Wont climb above 35 Fahrenheit for another week.

Talking about weather ceases to be small talk when it causes you to be under house arrest for such long periods!

Grungy

In the four and a half years that I have lived here, it seems the bulk of people that I meet don't shower, don't launder their clothes and their hands are looking muddy like they haven't washed them in 6 months.

But what's worse is that it seems like everybody I meet that wants to shake my hand or hug me looks like this

I've never lived anywhere in my life where there are so many people who never learned how to practice good hygiene

Needless to say I don't hug and I have learned the graceful art of the fist bump :-)

it's been one hell of an anniversary weekend

yes terday was my four year anniversary in mountain town and it's been a hell of a celebration. On Thursday night I got mildly food poisoned. I've been awake for about a week. I found out that you can have free counseling through the local college but I have tremendous Ambivalenceabout any sort of therapy or counseling because of my views on suicide.

I was telling my counselor on Friday that my body is my prison and that the joint and bone and muscle pain and weakness is absolutely unbearable. I made the mistake of trusting I made the mistake of letting my guard down

We had had three conversations about suicide in the past so I thought that I was safe I thought that it is safe to be myself. She knows how I feel about the fact that US society doesn't want animals to suffer but they don't give a god damn about human suffering.

I told her that I was planning on joining final exit network and that people who try to do their own suicides by overdose is oftentimes a mistake because they end up failing in their lives are the worst for it.

 in the midst of my diarrhea and nausia I hear bashing on my door on Friday night. the three cOpskept bashing and bashing and I didn't answer the door. Then I heard this is the police!

I came to the door and I said but I didn't call the police and the officer said we hear that you're planning on committing suicide by gAssing yourself.readers it's like a game of telephone I never said any such thing and I couldn't even imagine who would have called the police on me. They stayed for 30 minutes as I tried to convince them that I wasn't going to take my life todayand that some mistake had been made. the officers tried to get me to discuss what I told my therapist, I ask the cup and my legally required to tell you what I discussed with her? He said no your not I said okay well then I'm not going to say anything

If police think that you're going to take your life on that given day in some cases they force you into psychiatric hospitals which is the most ridiculous place on earth for people who are pro- euthanasia or people who have decided that they cannot go on indefinitely with the suffering of their disease.

I was absolutely furious that the counseling department did this to me and I told them so in a letter which I carefully worded. I told them to stay away from me and not make any more contact with me, I told my Facebook friends that going into therapy or any sort of counseling is a huge risk for anyone who carries a Pro euthanasia Pro assisted suicide stance.

SynchronisticAlly I am watching Law and Order SVU it's the episode entitled mercy where the mother murders the daughter so the daughter doesn't have to go through a life of suffering with a rare and painful disease

One by one I leave every agency in town one by one I leave every practitioner in town one by one I discover that there is gross and competence at every level in every segment of society this is something I've been blogging about since I started my blog 9 years ago and the problem is only getting worse

trying to practice gratitude

today I had to go to Catholic Charities to sign my new lease. For all of the challenges of apartment living in some strange way I consider myself to be very lucky.

I thanked my caseworker and told her that if it were not for Catholic Charities I would still be living in a homeless shelter.

These social workers have such a thankless job and she really lit up when I told her how grateful I was for being in the permanent housing program :-)

second visit to food stamp office

I have procrastinated coming to the Food Stamp office for a whole year. They disqualified me they discontinued my food stamps about a year ago, I was getting 15 dollars a month from them. When you measure the hassle and the time that it takes to get all the documentation together its not even worth it for $15 a month.

I made two calls earlier today trying to get through a food stamp worker but no luck getting an actual human being, I was attempting to get another case worker assigned to me. The last case worker tried to grab papers out of my hands I held on with a death grip so she pulled and pulled and pulled until she succeeded in yanking them out of my hands. She informed me that I would no longer be getting my SSDI check for $36. I said well why not and she said well that's what it says on my computer screen but I can't give you a reason. I was really pissed off so I called the disability office today to find out why I will no longer be getting SSDI the worker said to me who told you that that's not true.

today I arrived at the case at the Food Stamp office at 1:45 p.m., I will probably have to wait until 5 p.m. because I do not know where my old food stamp card is.

When I arrived here I asked for a new case worker, I was told that I can't request that in advance I just have to see who calls me and then at that time if it turns out to be the same girl I would have to request another person.

The case worker who called me was a different person, also pretty unimpressive. He had no idea what my case file number is. I said I've got all the documentation that you've asked for me, he said well I don't know what documentation we asked of you!!!

I handed him everything that the last case worker had asked me for and more. When we were all done with the appointment he didn't tell me how much money I'll be getting, I told him that I have two cans of soup and spaghetti at home and I have $1 to last me for 10 days.

I went back up to the counter and I said sorry I forgot to ask you how much will I be getting each month. He said we are not permitted to release that information to you verbally! You are going to have to wait until you get a letter from us in the mail at that time you will know if you've been awarded stamps and how much you will get

There is a morbidly obese five year old child with a cough of death. Her mother can't control her, her mother is so busy texting that she didn't notice that the girl hold the pink fluorescent tape off of the broken switch and then she turned the deadbolt unlocked all the clients out!

She cried and whined for 2 hours she then began toppling over chairs the mother could not stop her. The case worker s the mother what kind of work do you do the mother replied I take care of developmentally disabled adults! no surprise really in the past when I've seen workers so-called caring for people with disabilities I wondered if they pull these employees out of the gutter. How can this mother possibly care for the developmentally disabled when she can't even care for her own five year old child

I can get away with things and mountain town that I would never be able to get away with in Baltimore. If I should correct an African American child in a Baltimore City Food Stamp office the mother would probably shoot me in the head, but here in mountain town if a child is causing danger or putting themselves in danger or toppling chairs over in the Food Stamp office I'm not afraid to correct the child. Of course the children always listen to strangers when they won't listen to their own parents so I did tell the little girl that it is not acceptable for her to topple chairs over, she never toppled another chair over for the time remaining and now she's just finally left the Food Stamp office. I have been asked to wait until the office closes because I don't know where my old food stamp card is so I'm going to have to wait if I want another one today

My small town is obsessed with vanity plates

If you look closely this vanity plate is accusing you of being a sicko

symptoms symptoms and more symptoms

so I'm going to say this is been going on for 7 or 8 years nowchronic severe stomach and rib pain semicolon nearly everything I eat makes me feel sick sometimes violently so. Until I can find out a way to do the endoscopy and colonoscopy the only answer is to just eat as little as possible. Even if I eat nothing at all there's a chronic stomach rib and pelvic pain that just never goes away. I'm guessing that this is under the umbrella of fibromyalgia or Lyme disease but maybe not.

Here's a symptom that I rarely talk about but it is very annoying. My internal thermostat is broken. Right now it's about 30 degrees out and I've got the front door open because I was burning up but in a few minutes I'll be freezing cold and I will need to turn the heat back on this is one of the reasons why I can't sleep through the night.

One of the reasons why I spent nearly two decades dreaming of living in Southern California was because then I wouldn't have to worry about not being able to afford to pay my heating bill and air conditioning bill but mostly I wouldn't have to deal as much with my broken internal thermostat.

It's it looks like many of the people in my apartment building must be away for the holidays although I can't sleep through the night the last couple of days have been very restful I'm taking a lot of naps etcetera at least that part is a release from being so tired all the time.

The last 48 hours there has been very little banging, the two women that lives next door are awake all night long at one point they had more than 10 animals and they only have a one bedroom apartment they both have screaming loud voices and that is just a regular normal conversation they don't know how to close a door it always has to be slammed.

If you lived in an apartment you would love having me above you you couldn't find someone more considerate I have always tiptoed around for my neighbors in all the years that I've lived in apartments I'm even afraid to play the radio for fear that I will disturb someone if I drop something which is very rare that I worry that I have to strip someone boy that's a lot of stress!

In my next life I want to be a homeowner! Without living in a house in without distance between my neighbors and away from dog barking they're just really is no chance of happiness at all.

I've done a very good job of ignoring the holidays until unfortunately my ex sent an email from Italy he is very happily married he owns oneBelgium.

I know that there is a multitude of reasons why my quality of life is so low so low but I believe in my heart of hearts then I made one decision in my life that destroyed everything Permanently and that with the fact that I left my ex...

I really should send him a special request telling him of all the times of year please don't wish me a happy holiday!

I'm sure there are other singles out there who feel the same way that I do regarding their ex who is happily married. I'm very unusual because I tell everybody what an amazing human being he is and he really does deserve to be happy if only I had the relationship ship skills to have been the person to make that happen for him for the long haul. Merry Christmas? Bah humbug

no shelter whatsoever

The imbibed man says he doesn't need a sleeping bag or a tent, because

he'll just wrap  himself in plastic!. His alcohol is so important to him I'm quite certain that this is why he will not go to the shelter.

is mountain town really a healthy city?

in  many ways mountain town seems like a healthy city.  However, if mountain town is such a healthy city then why is it that within 60 seconds of my leaving the house I hear men hacking that deep disgusting smokers hack?

Even inside of my apartment I frequently have to close the windows because of the men who are outside and hacking.

I went to Best Buy yesterday for help with my smartphone, and the clerk hacked and hacked and hacked for the entire 30 minutes!  What am I supposed to do? Demand that he find someone to help me who is not hacking?

ironically the public libraries here R significantly noisier then the local ER! I know this because I've been in the ER about 6 times since I've lived in mountain town.

Within 5 minutes of going into the public libraries you hear that high pitch squeal that babies and toddlers make and,the children will squeal like that for a half an hour or even longer because most parents  have no control over their children.

u already know I can't even concentrate on the smallest of tasks at the local library. I only know 1 other person who's An HSP like me (highly sensitive person. )  She wears Bose noise cancelling headphones on her ears, because sounds that don't even faze other people are painful to her ears. I know that's true for me regular sounds are very painful for my ears. It makes it tempting to not go out but that's not exactly an option!

"untold stories of the e.r."

Hi folks,

still alive but been largely homebound by migraines and nerve pain.  The couple downstairs chain smoke as you know but I have not been well enough to "fight the good fight" (hmmm maybe I should go to karaoke and sing that tonight, haven't been in 14 months)



So you may recall that I was having  crushing chest pain (I now suspect it was chostochondritis  which is chronic chest pain associated with fibromyalgia)

So, I go to art walk then I go to the e.r. because that is what the local urgent care place  instructed me to do.  They did the e.c.g. then oddly they had me dress then go the wait room.  They didn't explain why.

Two hours later at 11 p.m. they got me a room.  Even though I brought my own blanket and pillow I was absolutely freezing.  I would request a heated blanket, then they would leave for 2 hours without bringing me a blanket.  For the most part the staff were pretty good this time, but there was one dr. who (I didn't realize it until later) was trying to do a physical exam and the pain upon touch (allodynia) was so severe that he laughed.  Attempting to read his mind, I suspect that he thought I was "faking" the pain.  But you all know by now that certain types of touch are therapeutic but most touch even light touch is excruc iating.

One dr. stated that they would take blood and put an i.v. in and give me pain meds to see if the meds help with chest pain.  By the time they released me at 3:50 a.m. they had never gotten around to giving me any pain meds.  So, I asked if I could at least have meds for the migraine and they made it a point to tell me that "we'll give you something but we aren't going to give you narcotics!" (they didn't explain why that is)

They took me for a cat scan and I was violently shaking from being so cold.  The room where the machine was, was even colder.  They said that they were going to give me contrast dye which I found terrifying.  The tech stated that I would feel "warm all over" "feel like I have to pee" and have a metallic taste in my mouth" but that the entire test would be only 5 minutes.

The entire top half of me tasted metal, and I yelled out "OMG IT'S 200 degrees!"  I felt like someone had set me on fire.  Then suddenly, I was freezing again and shaking.

There were so many sensations from being in the e.r.  As you may know even the electronic  bp cuff is torture.

The bottom line is that they found "a mass in my upper outer right breast"

I would find out weeks later that this has absolutely nothing to do with being in pain.

I am supposed to go for the mammogram.  So, although on some levels qol has risen this summer, I am still fairly certain that if you look at the overall picture, there are few Americans that could tolerate the conditions.

"Looking back at 9/1/2013"

On the bus

Met a latin guy on the bus, David.  I spoke to him in as much Spanish as I could muster!  We had a strong instant attraction.  But, he asked if he could come to my house so I can cook him dinner? (I've noticed a distinct trend, most men I meet want the women to support and care for them!)

I told him NO, because he's married!

Then I told him in Spanish you will besame (kiss me!)

and

tu es casada!

(I don't have enough food for anyone but me anyhow!)

He was extremely pushy begging me if he could come over.

He rationalized: "BUT MY WIFE IS IN MEXICO!"

(I don't appreciate being pushed)



I wanted to tell him in Spanish that it wouldn't be ethical for me to get involved with a married man but I'm not THAT fluent

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Tried a new restaurant today but it was a waster of money.  At home my frig constantly leaks and I have to mop multiple times a day.  The lights flash constantly and maint hasn't repaired yet.  I try to find ways of not needing lights but the situation pisses me off..

"on the bus"

this is a sweet small town anecdote.  I get treated extra special by about 1/3 of the bus drivers.  Well, a few weeks ago, when the bus would arrive at my stop the driver would say:

INTO THE INTERCOM

"and FOR THE LADY, main street!"

I don't actually live on main street but I knew he was referring to me, and he'll say it even if others are getting off at the same stop.  I told him I thought it was a nice touch.

"The importance of getting a car, if u can"

Immediately before getting on the bus today I felt relaxed, a tad copasetic.  I slept well it was 78 degrees with some drizzle and I was "sunbathing" while waiting on the bus.

due to cold air conditioning on the bus I had a headache with in 5 minutes.  there are no shock absorbers which is so excruciating due to my back and tailbone pain.  The roads are torn up and the bus drivers speed it is very very painful.

Not to mention the fact that when they slam on brakes which is often it whiplashes you.

My mental and physical state before getting on bus versus after getting on bus, well there is not really a way to have a good day on public transit.

"Now, that's different" ;)

So today I participated in an event that was a "want to" rather then a "have to" on my daily to do list!

  Only 3x in the past year have I participated in something of interest in my community due to the fact that I do not have acar.

I used to attend, nearly annually, a conference called "Marylander's united for peace and justice"

this was essentially:

"mountain town united for peace and justice" and I was able to get there via 2 busses and 1 hour total commute one way.

due to not having the stamina of  past years I only lasted for 1/2 day.  It was such a pleasant switch to get to be around educated articulate people who aren't fresh out of jail, stoned  out of their damn minds, and unshowered.    Those are the blokes I'm typically around on the bus, walking, and at the library.

If I were sleeping better I would have stayed for the entire conference but my eyes got really heavy and I was unable to concentrate any longer.

It is really encouraging to find out about the plethora of individuals and groups who are working to make mountain town and the world for that matter a better place to live in!

"Medical marijuana edibles"

So I bought a mmj brownie and ate less then half.  My motive for the purchase was to help me get caught up on my sleep.  It did that, HOWEVER , after 6 hours of sleep I woke up with drenched clothes, a severe headache and a racing heartbeat.  Scary.  I won't buy any more sativa brownies.

I discovered that customers are permitted to hang out in the dispensary lobby.  It was an experience unlike any I have had in my life.  Not only do u get to c who the other customers are and chat, but the employees are warm and smart and friendly.  Hippie central!

"Redundant"

The librarian just asked me if I have had any success transferring the 600 photos to a flash drive.  (I have been trying for 18 months)  I said "no; but this is pretty much the story of my life"  I am essentially working on many different projects some for years but mostly nothing happens.

I have been trying to find a specialist for a couple of years.  Even the ones who take my primary insurance are telling me that the 20% I would have to pay up front and that comes to circa 280 dollars a month.

So, it's just completely out of the question.

There is still something really stressful happening at my building that kept me awake for nearly a month.  The last 2 nights I  have figured out a way to get some sleep and hoping that will continue.

The conditions in Mountain Town are so dangerous that about 2 weeks ago a 50 year old woman was walking home from a bar, fell in the snow and FROZE TO DEATH!  IN AUTUMN!

So, I really don't have any progress to share with you in any area of life.................................

"Weather/weakness"

This month I have only been going out 4 or 5 days a week.  Some days I am too weak to walk and have to go home.  Yesterday I was only out an hour when I realized I was becoming very weak so I had to head home.  Other days I have to stay in due to the snow and wind.

It has not been much fun although like I said I do have cable for the first time in my life and I am enjoying it immensely.

I have been unable to get to p.t. or o.t. due to weather and other hold backs.  Like I told you the walking and bussing takes everything out of me, so it's rare in winter for me to be out for more then 5 hours a day.

There is no doubt I would be doing many evening activities if I had a car.  I still badly want and need to get to a warmer climate.

"Scary"

It's scary to me that I only have $75 dollars for food money to last 24 days.  This is the first time in 8.5 years that I have had a place safe enough (for now at least) that I can actually store food in the house.  (In the past during the home invasions my food has been stolen and even contaminated with feces ;(   )

So, normally I have to traverse on the bus every day or every other day and only buy the food I can carry on my back.

today I will buy 75 in food and take a cab home.  It will suck because I feel very deprived when I can't eat out.  Also, this is a month where most Americans have other people buying them presents and having them over for beautiful meals.

I'm sure I'll like spend xmas at home eating peanut butter andn watching tv.  the buses don't run so I won't even b able to go to the food center.

"Craziness in my apt. building"

I can't disclose exactly what it is yet on my blog, but it is the reason I have been awake for 4 days straight.

I am soooo overwhelmed.  I need to move and I know where I want to go but I don't have the money to both move there (it's warm there)

and to

buy the winter coat and boots and long johns and crampons that I'm going to need to survive here in "Alaska!"

It terrifies me to know that tonight we will get up to seven inches of snow.  We will go down to single digits.

And at least for the next 5 days we will be in the 20's with possible ice, high winds and more snow.

The concept of being imprisoned to my apt. is a very scary one despite the fact that I have so many shows I'm following on cable.

I haven't smoked the medical marijuana in months.  Once a month I purchase a couple of brownies however because I sleep well just by taking 2 or 3 bites of one.  They knock you out so you really can't have any brownie while you are out of the house. 

I've been referred to physical therapy (it's free) which will include aquatic therapy.  Swimming is my favorite sport but I have not been in a pool in 11 years. 

Being in warm water is like a high for me.  I am after all a Cancer!

I can't think of anything fun I've done since September.  I have to be back home by 5:30 each day because the after sunset temps kill me.

"Winter storm watch in autumn?!!!"

Last week Mountain Town began receiving warnings about the winter storm.  And it's still fall!  Scary stuff, hail, rain and snow.  We already have icy patches which means I cannot stay out after 5:30 p.m.

Was afraid to leave, afraid I'd slip since I have no special device for my hiking boots yet.  (crampons?)  Sounds like something a woman has to put up with once a month!

But they are some sort of device for walking on ice.  And you thought it was a big deal that Jesus walked on water  ;)  !!

I don't know how I'll get out of this town I simply don't have any extra money to move.